Prime Minister Theresa May has pledged to not remain silent on the growing problem of pee in swimming pools highlighted in a shock report released earlier this week.
“Clearly this something that previous administrations have been caught short on, but I can assure you that this is my number one priority,” she said, confirming that she had instructed officials to prepare a white paper on the subject immediately.
“Obviously a yellow paper would be more appropriate, but where the civil service is concerned we have to be careful of leaks and go with the flow,” she explained.
The report, which claimed that a one third Olympic size swimming pool could contain up to 75 litres of urine – enough to fill a medium sized dustbin, has shocked the public with many pools reporting swimmers arriving with multiple bottles of water in an effort to combat the issue.
Mrs May confirmed that her government is taking a particularly dim view of the problem and aims to do everything it can to ensure that the outstanding water bill is dealt with as soon as possible.
“Rest room assured, we will leave no penny unspent,” she said.
“We have been accused of “taking the piss” with our plans for Brexit. I can confirm that we have indeed, but that every drop has been collected and stored, and will be made available to municipal swimming pools as soon as is feasible,” she said.
“Only 75 litres in an 830,000 litre pool is a shameful state of affairs. If we are to stand on our own two feet as a country, and hold our heads up high it’s imperative that we take a hands on approach, powder our noses, and give the lemon a damn good squeeze, so we can match the standards set by other countries” she said.
May confirmed that she expected that the problem could be eliminated and all the tanks well and truly drained prior to the planned visit later this year of Donald Trump.
“I look forward to being able to shake hands with the president, without having to drain the pool first,” she said, confirming that she had given him a tinkle just the other day and that he was very much looking forward to visiting her uncle Charlie, by the rivers of Babylon.
May added that she was off that moment to see a man about a dog, turn her bike round and make her bladder gladder “Frankly, my back teeth are floating, it really is time I opened the curtains and let the sun shine in,” she said.