Prime Minister Theresa May attempted to intimidate The Lords this evening with a “dance off”.

And failed terribly.

A furious May entered the Lords chamber at dusk determined to crush the old timers with her relative vigour.

She wore her famous kitten heels and a leopard print bodystocking, assuming they would dazzle the collection of elders, as she leapt and rolled into the Upper House.

There followed a dizzying display of moves clearly learned from watching “Flashdance” and “Footloose” at the same time.

Lord McNally was one of few Lords bold enough to stay seated throughout the routine. Sitting stony faced he waited for the Prime Minister to complete her warm down routine before taking to the floor himself.

Baroness Evans of Bowes Park relayed what occurred next.

“It was brutal. He started with adagio and you could see Theresa believed such a slow start was not building to anything. She basically just rested on a bench and gave him a look of blue steel. His arabesque was droll but harmless. Then things suddenly became deadly.”

Reports suggest McNally abruptly launched into a ballon followed by a series of battement dégagé so fast Ms. May developed a nosebleed.

Ms May appeared determined to face McNally down, but once the blood started streaming from her eyes it was clear she was in mortal peril.

The gathered Tory Lords moved as fast as possible to shield May from McNally’s sweat and remove her from the chamber.

She was eventually assisted out of the chamber muttering “the will of the people” and attempting several times to reply to a clearly buoyant McNally with a speed even Kevin Bacon wouldn’t have risked.

“It was the first moment of light in many months.” Lord Wallace of Tankerness commented later.

“McNally has a triptych. May got out before he really got into gear. Just as well for her. I doubt she would have survived his final instalment. It’s all tango. It’s a bone crusher.”

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