The UK’s second best-selling hate rag, The Sun, is to be relaunched as a colouring book.
As of next week, the Murdoch-owned ‘newspaper’ will cease printing stories and instead focus on producing “exciting and thought-provoking images of Britain’s greatest patriots” for its readers to colour in.
“Our readers are no longer interested in elitist constructs like words and sentences,” a News UK spokesperson told the Herald.
“On Sunday we published a farcical story about Michael Gove sailing to Brussels that was both outrageously patronising and intensely childish, but our readers lapped it up. The idiots.
“Why waste time and money on actual journalism when you can just print shitty pictures for fuckwits to colour in when they get bored of abusing female celebrities on Twitter?”
The first edition of the new-look tabloid will go on sale next Monday and will come with a free pack of red, white and blue crayons. News UK has yet to comment on the content of the paper, however, images are believed to include:
– An armour-clad Nigel Farage atop a white charger, trampling over the mangled bodies of Syrian refugees;
– Boris Johnson, topless and muscled, smashing down the European parliament with a giant Article 50 sledgehammer;
– Theresa May on all fours, dressed as a clown, ‘rusty tromboning’ Rupert Murdoch as a reminder of who’s actually running this country.
Regular Sun reader Darren Fudd, 34, welcomed the change but expressed concern that the paper’s new format would no longer provide the stimulating political insight to which he was accustomed.
“The Sun has been a stalwart of British tabloid journalism since 1969, and one that has consistently challenged the government of the day,” he said.
“Though if this means that they’re going to bring tits back then I’m all for it.”