Stoke’s election Returning Officer was forced to admit to an embarrassing mistake when he opened the wrong envelope and declared Labour had won.

“I was handed an envelope by someone very junior and it had the incorrect information in it. The real winner of the Stoke by-election is Paul Nuttall – by a landslide,” said Ivan Headache OBE, Returning Officer of Stoke’s Electoral Services Division.

The Labour candidate, Gareth Snell who had already made his victory speech, was magnanimous in defeat. “The people have spoken. It’s a shame they’ve spoken bollocks – but there it is.”

UKIP are desperately trying to locate Paul Nuttall, the new MP for Stoke-on-Trent Central, who has left the country to start a new life in Brazil alongside some National Socialists with whom he claims to be close personal friends.

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