Penny Mordor MP, Secretary of State for Disabled People, Work and Health announced this morning wide ranging changes to the qualification criteria for PIP (Personal Independence Payment).

The payment, designed to assist individuals who are long term unemployed with living costs, where the unemployment is caused by ill health or disability, has been criticised by many for being too difficult to attain after changes to eligibility focusing on how the condition affects an individual, rather than the condition itself.

“It’s only right that cancer sufferers do not automatically qualify.” Ms. Mordor stated. “After all, if you can still walk, you can still work. Some people with terminal illnesses can work right up to the moment they drop dead. Why should the British taxpayer be throwing money at someone with a brain tumour if they can operate IT by blinking?”

“It’s unfair and it robs people of the quality of life they can achieve with adult diapers if they’re not infantalised by the state. Well, we’re not having it. British people weren’t so slovenly in the past. They had an innate pride we are determined to rekindle. History is full of examples of perfectly healthy disabled people working their whole life, however short and hard that life may have been.”

Under the proposed changes many currently eligible will lose some or all of PIP, but as always, where there are losers, there will be winners. “I am happy to announce that the changes in eligibility will now mean that members of UKIP, EDL, Britain First, the BNP and many other lesser known community development organisations will now automatically qualify for PIP on the grounds of their mental health. The extra support will assist them in living fuller lives on social media and be better able to access small rooms in the back of pubs flying the St. George’s cross.”

Critics of the government have pointed out that all the organisations listed campaigned for the Leave vote in last year’s EU referendum, but Ms. Mordor rejected any influence from the referendum campaign, or that the government was trying to shore up support for Brexit by diverting funds from people with cerebral palsy to Jayda Fransen.

“This is about creating a modern, compassionate state that is also inherently patriotic.” Ms. Mordor asserted. She went on to explain that if the initial changes prove successful it is expected the entire readership of The Daily Mail, The Sun, The Express and The Telegraph will in future be eligible to claim PIP, as well as the constituency of Copeland.

“They passed with flying colours.” Ms. Mordor commented. “Last week. Smashed the new criteria into the back of the net when they elected Trudy Harrison (Cuddly Caring Conservative Party).”

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