Michael Gove MP caused elation inside Kate Hoey MP today with his demand for a soft play area at the Palace of Westminster.
Gove, the champion of positive parenting campaigns while Secretary of State for both Education (currently on fire) and Justice (run now by inmates), weighed into the fraca centred on the refurbishment plans of Westminster with his call for the brightly padded, sharp edges free, play zone.
“It came to us when Uncle Rupert took us boating yesterday.” Govie and Katie explained to a gaggle of press geese outside the Palace.
“I thought, this is a great childhood! As Britain sails into Brexit we must play just everywhere! It won’t mean much to British children that Boris is hiding shards of glass in the German’s sandpit, or, Mrs. May is tying firecrackers to the ponytails of French girls, if we’ve nothing fun to do at home. We must cater for British children, especially within the Play Palace.”
Under Gove’s proposals the soft play zone will be installed between the government and opposition benches (an admittedly narrow space at present) inside the House of Commons, so that the big person business of Brexit can continue while MP’s with extra energy to burn get an outlet for their innate exuberance.
Gove added, “Currently a lot of Brexit MPs are being misdiagnosed with spectrum disorders when all they need is a positive outlet.”
And who is paying for this extra facility in the age of austerity?
“Rupert bear.” Govie explained. “He bought us a boat to play with last week and and and this week he’s buying us a soft play! I LOVE LOVE LOVE RUPERT BEAR. I do anything he wants.”
At this point Gove was noticed to be holding his pants and taken away for a wee.
The MP for Vauxhall picked up where he had run off.
“Govie is really funny.” Katie beamed. “Normally, if I want to knock over a tower of blocks one of the other kids has built, I have to arrange a photo op at a Vauxhall childcare centre. But once the soft play zone is installed I’ll be able to watch other MP’s spend decades constructing deeply integrated and complex towers, sometimes using as many as twenty eight different blocks, and then I just rush right over and smash the whole lot to shit without any concern for what happens afterwards. It’s even better if the other kids cry! I love it!”
Primed Minister Teasa May has also backed the proposal.
“It’s going to be a red, white and blue soft play.” She grinned. “They’re my favouritest colour! Do you think my trousers are pretty? I killed the rhinocerososeros myself!”
Work on the soft play zone is expected to begin in late March. Demand to play inside it is expected to be constant, almost to the exclusion of anything else.
It’s not expected that Jeremy will be allowed in with the other children though. He’ll be given a big board with words on to hold and a small park to hold it in with his shrinking circle of friends...