Following Labour’s disastrous defeat in The Copeland by-election Jeremy Corbyn has responded to criticisms of his leadership of The Labour Party by assuring everybody it has nothing to do with his politics or his leadership.

“It has nothing to do with my politics or my leadership” Jeremy told The Rochdale Herald. “It’s not my fault voters are stupid. When I’m in charge they won’t get to vote, The Party will take care of all of that for them, one less thing for them to worry about.”

Copeland has been considered a safe Labour seat for almost 80 years and it’s been almost that long, if not longer since a sitting government won a by-election from the opposition.

“We need to get more people reading Lenin and Marx. If we can just get them to open their minds to the idea that they don’t need money or freedom and that working in a salt mine for the benefit of the state and The Party is the best way forward then we’ll definitely seize the means of production at the next general election.”

The Tory Party were of course delighted to learn of their victory in Whitehaven and celebrated by trying to find it on a map.

“Who knew?” Theresa May asked The Herald “I genuinely thought Cumbria was in Scotland, it turns out it’s not! You could have knocked me down with a feather.”

The Tories ran on a popular manifesto of slashing maternity services in Whitehaven while pretending not to and vaguely ‘promising’ to try to let people keep their jobs in the nuclear power plant. Heady stuff.

“I honestly didn’t know that’s where Sellafield is.” Theresa May told us. “You learn something new everyday in this job. Are you sure there are Tories living there?”

The UK continues it’s inevitable slide to a one Party state.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.