Noted elderly naturist David Attenborough was cock-a-hoop yesterday when he announced the discovery of the first new species of great ape for many years.

Mr Attenborough announced “We have certainly discovered a new great ape. With tiny hands, tissue-thin skin and a tufted head it is unlike any ape we have seen before in that it seems to have adapted to urban surroundings and has made a lair in a large white structure in Washington DC.”

The new ape, provisionally named the orang-moron, is notable for its unpredictable behaviour, bursting into shrill tweeting when upset. It is also very indolent, using other species such as the Spicer Monkey and the Kelliconwi Baboon to do its dirty work.

But Attenborough delivered some good news, saying “It appears to be the only one of its species, and very unpopular even among other apes, so we predict near-immediate extinction.”

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