Concern that America is falling behind Russia in the pay-for-sex industry was allayed last night after President Donald J Trump announced a new ‘hooker race’ with market leaders Russia.
“Russian prostitutes have been, in my view justifiably, classed as world leaders…”, said Trump, adding hastily, “…of course I have no bigly experience of that, despite what the CIA are telling you. But it is now beyond time to get US hookers back on top. We’re gonna make America fellate again!”
The President has announced that his wife, first lady Melania Trump, will be placed in charge of the new venture at a salary of $3000 per day. “We’re not talking about paying her anything more than I allegedly paid those fake news Russian prostitutes per night…” said Trump, “…it’s not corruption or nepotism, but Melania has goodly commercial experience in the field of adult entertainment, and I hugely enjoy doing to her now what I plan to be doing to the rest of the world very soon.”
Trump was reacting to Vladimir Putin’s statement that Russian prostitutes were ‘the best in the world’. Glowing with orange pride he told the Russian President, “Hang on Vlad, we’re gonna catch up…”
“As far as the American people are concerned, they’re all gonna be fucked and you’re all gonna pay for it.”