Swedish furniture and home-ware giant IKEA have announced that it plans tolaunch a new range of “post Brexit furniture and home-ware” to suit the depleted pockets of the post Brexit British public.
Speaking to the Rochdale Herald’s weekend supplement, “Rochdale Life”, IKEA UK spokesperson Sven Smormitveeling explained that with the pound sterling already having lost 20% of its value since last year’s Brexit referendum and widely expected to attain parity with the Lithuanian Lita by the time the United Kingdom crashes out of the European Union, IKEA had acted pro-actively to ensure that UK consumers would still be able to buy its exquisitely designed but difficult to assemble products.
“We realised that even assuming we are able to import our beautiful Swedish made products into the UK after Brexit, almost nobody would be able to afford them,” he said.
“Obviously British consumers will not be penniless, but as the pennies will not be worth the paper they will inevitably have to be printed on we have designed a whole new ” UKIPEA” range of products that are easy on the pocket but still boast that inimitable Swedish design sense, not to say unpronounceable names and a set of instructions that defy any form of logic,” he added.
Flagship product of the new range is the Yörfükt flat pack house, made entirely from cardboard and which can comfortably house a family of four.
“As long as they are on good terms,” joked Smormitveeling explaining that while IKEA is currently unable to supply the land on which to site the flat pack house, that shouldn’t be a problem as by exiting the Common Agricultural Policy the UK was ensuring the collapse of its farming sector which should free up plenty of land.
Heating systems for the Yörfükt house are also available with the Hündredvæt central heating system consisting of a single incandescent light bulb expected to prove particularly popular.
And to furnish Yörfükt a special new range of budget furniture has been developed including the Fassbridü inflatable mattress and the single shelf Bygöt bookcase which for a limited period will be offered with a full set of UKIP approved literature including “Mein Kamping Holidays” by Nigel Farage and self help books such as, 100 Great Lard Recipes, and the Banana Benders DIY encyclopaedia.
For those who can’t afford the family sized cardboard box IKEA is offering a single person portable bedsit, dubbed, Dössü, which is compact enough to fit under the smallest canal bridge.
Kitchen and bathroom ware have not been forgotten with the new
“Schædenfreude”, cookery line aimed directly at the post Brexit epicurean. The
range includes the Swisærminuf multi-utensil capable of being used as
knife, fork, spoon, tin opener and tea strainer, the Grüll plate cum bowl
which can double as a cup and wash hand basin, and the energy efficient
A?ür slow cooker which works using a single tea light. Bathroom accessories
include the new Üturbölüx range of bathroom tapestries featuring
inspirational quotes by Nigel Farage and Paul Nuttall, such as “BLAME
GERMANY” and “I NEVER SED DAT; IT WUZ ER SO DER” and a Michael Gove themed
toilet brush and spare toilet roll holder set, tentatively named Ærswyppe.