UKIP leader Paul Nuttall lost ‘close personal friends’ when they discovered he was a bigoted, racist arsehole.

“People started to shun me and sometimes even turned their backs on me when I walked into a room”, said Nuttall, adding “…long time childhood mates would call me hurtful names, like ‘cockwomble’ and ‘tosser’ simply because of what I have become. It’s a mystery – people seem to like me until they find out I’m an arsehole and then it all goes downhill very quickly.”

Unlike other claims by Nuttall, this one has been independently verified by The Herald. Celia Cirrhosis, landlady of The Saracen’s Star (Nuttall’s local pub) said, “While he was never all that popular, people would at least pass the time of day with him. We used to call him ‘Dave’,” she giggled, adding “…it made him very cross. ‘Paul!’ he would say, ‘…my name is Paul’. We would apologise and then say, ‘Dave, it must be your round’.”

When locals discovered that he was a xenophobic fantasist and a UKIP member, they shunned him entirely. “He would try to get on people’s good side by offering to buy them drinks,” said Cirrhosis, “…but they would blank him or call him a tosser.”

Nuttall says the loss of his close personal friends was a disaster for him. However he is no stranger to disaster, having lost all his classmates in the bombing of Hiroshima.

“We were there on a school exchange trip, helping to build the bridge over the river Kwai, when the Americans, for some reason, decided to drop an atomic bomb on us. All my classmates, my favourite teacher and my pet hamster who we had taken as the school mascot, were fried alive. I was lucky to escape. I still have nightmares about it and sometimes glow in the dark.”

“Not a lot of people know about my escape from Hiroshima,” he added, “…I didn’t even know about it myself until I made it up a few moments ago.”

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