JK Rowling has dedicated the next instalment of the global phenomenon Harry Potter to Piers Morgan.

JK Rowling, the billionaire philanthropist and children’s author who has sold more than 450 million books and been translated into 65 languages, is said to have been heavily influenced by Piers Morgan, the reality TV judge who has apparently written eight books nobody has read, after seeing Jim Jeffries tell him to fuck off on the Bill Maher show.

Morgan had tried to deny the Muslim ban was a Muslim ban.

“I don’t want to give away too much about the next book, but Hermione isn’t in it.” Rowling told The Herald.

The story sees Harry and Ron do battle with an evil, rosy-cheeked newspaper editor who magically knows the content of people’s voicemails but somehow manages to avoid going to prison.

“I read the book. I thought JK Rowling wrote fiction.” Lord Leveson told The Herald.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.