In another sign of his commitment to his relationship with himself Trump has commissioned another portrait of himself as a surprise Valentine’s gift to himself.

The painting took a while to get right. He had run an “Apprentice” style selection process with artists falling over one another to paint the most sycophantically flattering image, until finally he selected the most alt-realistic portrait of himself with those immortal words “you’re hired!”

He has asked that people keep it a secret so as to not ruin the surprise. However Trump has apparently caught wind of the surprise, but is said to be thrilled and will be feigning surprise and delight when he presents himself the present over breakfast. In addition he has also written himself a card with a message of undying adoration and love.

Trump has declared Melania and Mexico will be paying for the new work of art and that Melania is also thrilled, although she will be playing only a minor rôle on the sidelines in a cheerleader outfit to liven up the event.

Trump waits in anticipation of the token of self-devotion.

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