After being alerted to the shockingly high number of deaths caused by toddlers shooting their parents, President Trump signed the legally binding order yesterday that prevents all children under four from entering the United States, “Until we can figure out what’s going on.”

Chaotic scenes erupted across the nation’s hospitals, as expectant mothers were told to go back home and “cross your legs for at least five years” until the would-be-shooter can be born safely into a basic firearms handling course.
New-mother-to-have-been, Darlene Grover was directly affected by the push-out push-back-in:

“I voted Trump cause I din’t like brown people, how was I to know he’d take real concrete steps to keep real Americans safe from a provably much bigger threat? Now they’re telling me I gots to keep this little critter up in there for ages. Shane aint gonna be none too happy about that now, y’all.”

It is expected that pre-existing American toddlers will be rounded up over the coming months and placed in special camps for the protection of the general population.

When pressed on whether this was a constitutional violation, a spokesman for the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, I.C.E., insisted that although the toddlers were temporarily incarcerated, they would be allowed to keep hold of their firearms, because “we’re not animals”, and “Jesus knows, they’re probably going to need them.”

After a fierce bidding war, all screening rights to the show “Toddler Camp Shoot-Out” were snapped up by Fox.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox