Get your hands out of Ivanka’s knickers, White House orders media

 

White House press secretary Sean “Ginger” Spicer has issued an ultimatum to the US media in the wake of the growing row over the lingerie line belonging to President Trump’s daughter Ivanka.

Spicegirl accused the media of blatant bias in reporting that US department store Nordstrom had decided to stop selling Ivanka’s luxury lingerie on the grounds that nobody was buying it, and of efforts by President Trump and his press spokesperson Kellyanne Conway to support the brand.

“Frankly this is typical fake news. Sales of Ivanka’s knickers both in store and on-line are enormous, huge, frankly the biggest sales of any lingerie brand in history and Nordstrom’s decision is political, shameful and wrong.” he said.

Warning that media which failed to report his alternative facts could be banned from future press conferences, Ginger Spice pointed out that Ivanka’s internet site is currently offering a 10% discount to anyone sending in a selfie of them burning a copy of the New York Times or the Washington Post, or giving the finger to a screen shot of CNN.

“They’re the real pants in this story, and frankly what they really wanna do is pull themselves up and start reporting real news like Ivanka’s new line of orange blusher.” he said.

News of Nordstrom’s decision to drop Ivanka’s knickers went viral after President Trump tweeted that his daughter was being treated unfairly by the retail giant, and reached global pandemic proportions after Conway appeared Live on Fox TV news.

Declaring herself to be a fan of the brand, Conway stripped off to reveal a signature Ivanka bra and pants set in bright orange with yellow fur trim, complete with price tags.

“And for a limited period only they come in a special presidential presentation box.” said Conway flipping round to reveal a large “tramp stamp” tattoo of the brand’s web address on her lower back.

Commenting on Conway’s behaviour, Spicegirl confirmed that it was unacceptable and that in future, instead of the tattoo they would just instruct Fox News to run a strap line with the web address across the screen during all presidential news.

“She’s been counselled, it was a simple Freudian slip on her part.” he said, adding that the slip was available in a range of colours including orange silk with yellow fur trim, and ordering the ejection of a reporter from the Dallas Chronicle for enquiring as to whether the silk was ‘shot’.

Speaking to the Rochdale Herald’s sister paper, The North Idaho Ranch Rustler, a spokesman for Nordstrom confirmed that the decision not to stock Ivanka’s branded good was purely commercial.

“We haven’t sold a single pair of Ivanka’s knickers this year and decided to drop them before she did.” he said.

“Or, more pressingly, before Kellyanne Conway did.” he added, shuddering.

There was some good news for the Trump family business with online erotica retailer PussyGrab announcing that it had cut a deal with President Trump’s current wife Melania to stock her newly launched Escort line of genuine fur coats.

“It takes 40 dumb animals to make each coat but only one to wear it,” confirmed PussyGrab spokesperson and former Rochdale resident Melissa Shagworthy.

“Wear one of these and you won’t be needing any lingerie to get the presidential stamp of approval in the oval office, if you get what I mean.” she added, winking.