Tonight, the U.K. Is in disarray. The major cities of London, Manchester, Liverpool, Leeds and Birmingham are in lockdown with reports of outbreaks of vegans rioting.

There has been widespread looting in independent fruit and veg shops. Suppliers have been stripped of their produce and burned to the ground. Several grocers have been badly trampled as vegetarians in their thousands plunder local shops for lettuce.

Rochdale Waitrose has once again born the brunt of the violence after militant vegans supported by humanists, homeopaths, fruitarians and Liberal Democrats first stripped it of broccoli and then burnt it to the ground.

Emergency services are stretched and Hospitals are all at full capacity. Dozens of vegans have been admitted to intensive care after using the last of their strength to whisper protest slogans at riot police.

An unprecedented meeting of COBRA is being headed by Theresa May in Downing Street. Unconfirmed reports are being received that the Army is being ordered to fire on civilians.

Jet fighters can be heard flying over the vegetable fields in Lincolnshire. Kent, the garden of England is in lockdown and under curfew.

Allotment owners, nationwide are armed with whatever they can get their hands on and vowing to defend their leafy greens to the death.

Allotments that are more than a short walk from a bus stop are thought to be okay given that vegans, especially hungry ones, won’t have the strength to walk to them, they do have lovely complexions though.

UK omnivores are being advised to remain indoors, and not to make eye contact with vegans unless they have twenty minutes to spare to listen to a lecture about antibiotics in the food chain.

You’ve been warned.

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