Herald editor, Quentin D. Fortesqueue has been re-admitted to Rochdale General Hospital for surgery to remove his tongue from his cheek.
The jaded and cynical hack-in-chief of Rochdale’s only quality satirical organ had very recently been discharged from the same hospital following a collapse when he accidentally saw quality journalism in The Daily Mirror. Fortesqueue (72) tried to give an interview on his way into surgery. “Mumph argle phewm ikkle droobsedary,” he remarked. His doctor, Bellenda Hubris, explained: “Satirism has become a very dangerous profession. Keeping one’s tongue in one’s cheek for extended periods of time can lead to it getting stuck there. Unless we can free it, Mr. Fortesqueue might never speak clearly again.”
Happily for Rochdale and satire lovers everywhere, Mr. Fortesqueue is expected to make a full recovery. Satire is now ranked third in Rochdale University’s list of the most dangerous professions, coming just beneath chainsaw juggling and irony mining. “It’s not just tongue-in-cheek-stukkyitis (as it is known in the medical profession)”, said Professor Don Task of the University’s department of labour studies, “but repeatedly asking a satirist if he or she thinks they are funny can cause lasting mental problems.”
Dr Hubris is no stranger to work-related illness. She recently had to remove hundreds of thousands of Labour Party members from Jeremy Corbyn’s anus after he threatened to explode. She has also been retained by the White House as a medical advisor following an outbreak of highly infectious Cockwomberly in Washington, a disease which was previously thought to be only found in right-wing illiterates in the UK, but which has travelled to the US, possibly in a consignment of bull shit.
Cockwomberly vaccinations are to be offered, free of charge, in adult education centres in Rochdale.