Seven times unelected former UKIP leader Nigel Farage has announced he may be in favour of the UK’s European Union membership after all.
In an historic reversal of his long standing support for the UK leaving the European Union, which culminated in last year’s Brexit referendum victory Farage announced Saturday that he now thinks he may have been a little hasty and perhaps the EU has something to offer the UK after all.
Speaking to reporters outside his local branch of German supermarket Aldi, Farage denied that his unprecedented volte-face had anything to do with the recent visit to Washington by British prime minister Theresa May, during which she was pictured holding hands with US president Donald Trump in what was widely reported as a diplomatic love tryst.
“Me and Donny was never a thing, there was never any agreement on commitment, it was always an open thing like” he said, angrily denying claims that the scarf Mrs May wore in her appearance with President Trump was one that he’d left in the golden elevator in Trump Tower during his visit last year.
“Absolutely not, mine had more blue in the floral design,” he snarled Mrs May used the visit to announce a reaffirmation of the “special relationship” between the UK and the USA, with a possible “sweetheart” trade deal – both policies long espoused by Mr Farage.
As with exiting the European Union, these too appear to be policies which Mr Farage now prefers to distance himself from.
“What does special mean anyway? He snorted, pointing out that if the UK remains in the EU, it will in any case benefit from the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TPPI) currently under negotiation between the US and EU, and which is slated to be implemented long before Brexit is implemented.
“Anyway once the UK leaves the EU, most of the financial services sector and manufacturing industry will depart the UK, so what the hell are we supposed to be trading?” He asked.
“They’re never going to eat Marmite and there’s no way we can allow all their enormous gas guzzling pick up trucks onto our roads, there’d be carnage on the streets of Bromley, even if they don’t come equipped with optional redneck hillbillies packing combat rifles” he quipped.
“There’s a reason German cars sell so well in the US, and no one in Europe drives a “yank” – “Vorsprung durch technik!” He said demonstrating a hitherto unpublicised command of German.
Farage is married to a German woman with whom he has two daughters, and was previously married to an Irish nurse with whom he has two sons. Relationships which could all be rendered more complex should Brexit go ahead.
With that in mind Farage revealed that he was planning a visit to Berlin to make peace with German chancellor Angela Merkel at the earliest opportunity.
“I’ve always had a deep respect for Angela and we have so much to discuss,” he smiled.
“I just need confirmation of what sort of elevators she has in the Reichstag for a photo op. I’m not expecting gold, something hi-tech and Teutonic would be nice,” he said.
“The future’s bright, the future’s Orange!..oh hang on they’re Frogs, and “he’s” orange..scrap that, as with all that Brexit nonsense, let’s just pretend I didn’t say it.” he added.