In a bid to protect from pussy grabbing and give the impression of a large penis and aura of dominance, Theresa May will today be dressing to impress.

Heads will certainly roll, turn I mean turn as she steps into the Whitehouse today.

Theresa will be sporting a gold lamé Vivienne Westwood codpiece to protect from sexual assault and underline her assertive attitude as she strolls in confidently to meet king Trump.

Theresa’s perfume of choice on the first date with Donald is industrial strength alpha male pig hormone for that “je ne sais quoi” air of dominating self-confidence.

Armed with a handwritten letter from the Queen paying homage to the unbridled hog headed ego monster, ministers are confident Donald will be a pushover.

And finally, in case of last resort, an elegant walking-cane-cum-electric-cattle-prod will complete the look and fend off any last minute impulsive lunges from his micro-handedness.

What could go wrong?

A follow up report on the meeting will be issued after the meeting.

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