Julian Assange has confirmed that he is willing to be extradited from his own arse following Barack Obama’s decision to commute the sentence of US Army whistleblower Chelsea Manning.

Lawyers for Assange have stated that he intends to stick by a promise made last week to allow the extradition to go ahead, and claimed that he had already made efforts to breach his ringpiece and make contact with the real world.

“Julian stands by what he said and will emerge from his anus in due course,” said a WikiLeaks spokesperson. “He is confident that none of the allegations made against him will stick, unlike the bits of sweetcorn he is currently struggling to wash out of his hair.”

Assange sought refuge up his own arse in 2012 in an attempt to avoid extradition to Sweden, where he faces rape allegations. The WikiLeaks founder has repeatedly claimed that there are plans to further extradite him to the United States, where authorities are still angry that he published thousands of emails and videos that made them look like horrendous bastards.

“We’d like to assure Mr. Assange that we have no intention of subjecting him to any sort of unlawful treatment,” said a spokesperson for the US Department of Justice.

“After all, we’re talking about an alleged sex offender who regularly espouses the virtues of ‘freedom of speech’ whilst hiding within the embassy of a country that systematically oppresses any media outlets tenacious enough to criticise their own government.

“Mr. Trump is going to love him.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

8 COMMENTS