Anders Farkenobbviarrs, head of research at the Norway Institute of Selfish Prick-like Behavior in Trondheim said “Loads of rich, successful people are total fuckers, as it happens.

“I’ve tracked the prick-like behaviors of some of the wealthiest people in the world for several years as part of my ongoing research into why people act like selfish tossers.

When you get to see the “meta-data it becomes really clear. Once you reach a certain point of wealth, it’s as if there is a link between having a massive pile of cash and SIMULTANEOUSLY becoming a selfish, self-centred egotist who can watch people die in the street. Provided nobody tries to take their massive pile of money away.”

In support of his work, and his theory, Dr Farkenobbviarrs also cites a host of celebrity names, past and present, who he claims corroborate his findings.

“Jimmy Saville, he was worth a quid or two, no? Then there’s Richard Branson, I mean Christ on a bike just look at him! Who else? Theresa May, bang, she proves my point on her own, doesn’t she, Prime Minister of the UK and she’s just awful isn’t she? Come on, I nailed it didn’t I?”

It should be noted, however, that as persuasive as his arguments are, they are not backed by the consensus of his peers.

In a shock refutation, an anonymous source from the International Institute of Terrible Humans simply stated “You should probably not listen to Anders – he’s just jealous because we refused him tenure and he’s super poor!”

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