The Editor of the Daily Mail is in a critical condition today after learning that a Muslim has been knighted by the Queen in the New Year’s Honours list.

Sir Mohammed Farah was awarded the knighthood for services to running really fast. Sir Mo came to the UK from Somalia as an 8 year old and is now one of loads of people called Mohammed to have been awarded a Knighthood for things like poetry, literature, sport, business and architecture.

This is the second time this year Paul Dacre has been hospitalised by Sir Farah. Earlier in the year he suffered a mental breakdown after trying to work an anti immigration angle into an article about Sir Mo’s second double gold in the Olympics for running really fast.

Paul Dacre had apparently sat down in his favourite chair to write an effusive article about rich white celebrities being awarded OBE’s when he spotted Sir Mohammed’s name on the list.

Unfortunately his assistant knew the acronym F.A.S.T. and called paramedics when Paul’s face dropped on one side and he started slurring his speech.

He was overheard mumbling; “Coming over here. Coming over here. Coming over here.” As he was loaded into the ambulance.

Mr Dacre had the foresight to sell his soul in 2012 and is expected to make a full recovery.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.