As the line up for the new series of Celebrity Big Brother is announced, a Channel 5 insider has revealed that the show’s producers may have ulterior motives.
While the quality of the cattle used on the show has declined somewhat in recent years, the lineup for the new season is decidedly pathetic.
“It’s a new low” Channel 5 producer, Marcus Oldrope, told us. “We thought Z-list was as low as you could get, but it seems this new bunch are worse. We’ve classified them as ‘Z++ listers’.
Regular viewers of the reality train wreck have greeted the lineup with glee, as it would seemingly signal no change in the show’s format.
But an industry insider has come forward with other information. William Blower, who wishes to remain anonymous, had this to say:
“Well at first we were resigned to the fact that this series was gonna be as big a pile of steaming shite as usual. I mean, look at some of the stinkers that got caught in the net while we were trawling for z-listers.
“Nicola McLean, Ray J, Jamie O’Hara, Sam Thompson, Malika Haqq. Who the actual fuck are these people? We don’t really know. All we do know is that they look like a fucking 15 person pile-up waiting to happen.
“But then, while we were brainstorming for humiliating things to make them do in the house, our coffee boy Dean piped up out of nowhere and asked why we didn’t just kill them?
“It was at that point that the Grim Reaper appeared over by the Subway platter and offered to make a deal. He told us that for every housemate we sacrificed, he would spare one of the actual celebrities he was going to take before their time in 2017.
“We signed that fucking contract while the ink was still wet. Expect a bloodbath in the house in the New Year. Anything to spare Christopher Walken and Bob Dylan”
Dean the coffee boy has since been terminated for his impertinence.