In a surprise announcement today, the BBC revealed its strategy for recovering an audience lost by the betrayal of Paul Hollywood and his “Fakey Cakey Bake Off”.

There will be changes to the format of “Springwatch” next year, in which professional animal snoops, Michaela and Chris, will camp across the road from celebrity houses. They will watch the occupants through a network of concealed cameras and infrared imaging systems to catch that last breath before the subject succumbs to the inevitable. Subjects will include Sir David Attenborough and Bill Oddie.

In anticipation of the current government repealing the Hunting with Dogs Act, ITV have announced that the casts of TOWIE and “Made in Chelsea” will be contracted to run across the Cotswolds. 

Nigel Farage and some of his plummier friends will saddle up and release the hounds. Frankie Boyle will narrate. Expect adult language and nudity.

Channel Four expects to up the ante with “Embarrassing Celebrity Corpses” while Channel Five continues to flog a dead horse with “Celebrity Big Brother”, but with additional combat elements.

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