Archbishop Welby is currently helping police with their enquiries in Westminster after allegedly kerb stomping Nigel Farage.

Mr Toad, aka Farage, had apparently been “dissing” Welby on Twitter following the Archbishop’s annual Christmas Day message. Farage tweeted;

“Merry Christmas. Ignore all negative messages from the Archbishop of Canterbury and have a great day!”

The Archbishop had talked of a “different kind of world, one less predictable and certain, which feels more awash with fear and division” during Christmas message. A leaked copy of his handwritten sermon have the words “because of that racist c**t Farage” clearly crossed out.
The alleged assault was the culmination of an escalating series of rows between Welby and Farage during 2016 which began when lapsed churchgoer, divorcee, alleged wife beater and dog whistle racist Nigel Farage accused the Archbishop of Canterbury of not standing up for Christian values and should be sacked.

A spokesman for The Church of England told us;

“Justin has been gunning for that stringless Thunderbird puppet Farage for about 6 months since he said that all immigrants were rapists. I don’t have the details of what happened yet. But let’s just say Nigel had it coming. God works in mysterious ways.”

Eyewitnesses reported that Nigel was walking past Westminster Abbey dressed like a “tool” in a pair of yellow corduroy trousers while smoking a fag when Welby spotted him and shouted that he wanted a word. Nigel apparently ran about 50 yards with Welby chasing him at a full sprint, gowns billowing in the wind. The former UKIP leader had to stop to have a coughing fit about 50 yards from Big Ben.

The crowd of onlookers described the following beating as an “Old Testament” merciless kicking with Welby repeatedly screaming something about a “fucking bus” and Romans 1:18 at Nigel.

“For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth.”

Nigel is expected to make a full recovery and Welby has been released without charge. Despite the alleged assault occurring in the midst of a large cheering crowd, nobody came forward as a witness.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.