America, Russia and the United Nations admitted defeat earlier today and proclaimed ISIS the winners of the global holy war.

President elect Trump has already Tweeted that America will be building 68,000 new compulsory mosques, while President Putin has announced that everyone in Russia must convert to Islam with immediate effect, and be issued with copies of the Qu’ran.

After numerous failed battles in besieged countries, featuring all manner of firepower, clever ISIS decided to leave their ID’s at home when carrying out acts of terror, thereby making them invisible to government agencies.

A recent spate of attacks in New York, London, Paris and Berlin finally weakened the west’s resolve as not one passport could be found.

Prime Minister Theresa May addressed the nation in a live broadcast on all channels at 10:30am stating:

“It is indeed a sad day; we have lost the war and will be introducing Sharia Law with immediate effect.

“Allahu Akbar.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox