In a bizarre turn of events at Rochdale’s number one marital aid retailer, Coxfam, a robbery was foiled when a masked intruder was beaten off with a premium sex toy.

The attacker forced his way onto the premises as staff were cashing up only to be confronted by several customers and members of staff who managed to subdue him by throwing merchandise at him.

“It was really strange, I thought nothing of it at first. A man in a rubber mask in a pornography shop isn’t that unusual, but then I heard a commotion and saw Doreen throwing things at him while he was trying to pull the till off the counter.”

“To be fair she caught him an absolute ringer with a Fleshlight and he went down like a sack of potatoes.”

When the police arrived at the scene the attacker had been restrained by customers with what officers described as pink furry handcuffs.

Local pornography enthusiast, Mr S Dampsock, known locally as “Spanker” told us;

“It’s amazing when the community comes together. It’s also great when they rally to support small businesses like Coxfam, I drop in from time to time to pick up a DVD. You never know when you might need some pornography and have no wifi.”

Local have a go hero, Doreen Hardon, one of the traumatised members of staff said;

“While what we did was dangerous trying to tackle the armed assailant, I’d do it again and again and again, you can’t just come at us and not expect the same in return”

Greater Manchester Police have yet to comment on the incident but urge members of the public not to put themselves at risk.

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Dermot writes all of his articles in mixed media (mostly crayons and drool) he finds this style most fits his journalistic style, these are then sent to a room with 100 monkeys at typewriters, eventually something is published.