The National Council for Promotion of Intersectionalism and Political Correctness, which is totally a thing, have announced the publication of their new PC Approved New Testament Bible.

“We wanted to bring the book up to date so we’ve made some minor changes,” said PC Council Chairperson of unspecified gender, Derek Gandalf Jones, “Mary and Joseph are now Tess, a grey-genderpunk post-lesbian intersectional feminist activist and her life-partner Achmed, a Muslim homosexual otherkin and instead of Tess giving birth to Jesus they adopt they, because that’s the pronoun Jesus prefers, from a refugee camp. It's a beautiful story. And it’s only told once rather than four times. And it has the appropriate trigger warnings.”

Other changes include John, in Revelations, experimenting in a safe space with mild hallucinogenic drugs and exploring consciousness before accepting everybody’s spirituality as equally valid, Acts of the Apostles in which several YouTubers berate bigots before blocking them and Letters in which gender studies professors publish lots of blogs on intersectionality and how to check your privilege.

“We were going to tackle the Old testament first,” said Derek,” But it was a bit rapey and slavey to be honest and it kept triggering the translators so we decided to just fuck it off.”

It’s hoped that children will be more accepting of a Bible that recognises white, male, heteronormative privilege and the marginalisation of anybody who feels a bit miffed and if not then at least the kids that don’t can be identified as bigoted Trump lovers early on.

“We have long realised that the Bible was written badly by white, males to promote patriarchy,” explained Rainbow Sugargender McAfee, head of marketing, “Ideally we’d like to do away with monotheism but we have to accept Abrahamic religions because if we don’t we’d have to be against Islam and that’s just racist.”

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.