The Herald, your only reliable source for news these days, has yet again got the scoopiest of exclusives, today we interview the CIA on the recent Russian hacking and election tampering.
RH: Good afternoon. Now you say it was Russia who performed these hacks, what evidence do you have for this?
CIA: Well, we can be pretty sure it was the Russians because the FBI, after a considerable investigation, confirmed it.
RH: And how did they discover that it was the Russians?
CIA: Well, they got their information from a reliable source. One that can be completely trusted and isn’t in the business of false propaganda: us.
RH: So your source is the FBI repeating what the CIA say? Right?
CIA: Indeed. You’re not gonna get a more reliable couple of sources than the FBI and the CIA! When have we lied?
RH: Hmm, Contra rebels, Iran, Grenada… I hate to repeat Trump’s words but aren’t you also the people who claimed that Saddam had WMDs?
CIA: Oh Saddam had ’em! We know because our intelligence said so! Anyway we know that it was Russia because of the complicated nature of the hack. It had to be a State. No mere hacker could have achieved such an intricate information heist!
RH: And what exactly was the complex nature of the hack?
CIA: Someone sent some emails saying that there’d been a DNC admin glitch and the users needed to sign in again by following the link.
RH: Phishing? You think a phishing scam is complex hacking? Where did you learn about hacking, watching Mr Robot?
CIA: No sir. Watching War Games and Sneakers. I love those movies! Tic tac toe!
RH: Riiiiiight. And what happened then? What was the Russian plan?
CIA: They released these doctored, misleading emails to Wikileaks, which skewed everything!
RH: Doctored? The emails had been changed?
CIA: Well, no… But the truth can be very misleading! You can’t handle the truth!
RH: Okay so we know it was the Russian state because sending a phishing scam mail like the ones badly educated Nigerian princes send every day is so complex and everything in the emails was true anyway … So what is it that they did wrong?
CIA: They tampered with the election! forcing transparency on people who bang on about transparency! Hacking voting machines!
RH: You have proof of this? That would be damning indeed.
CIA: That’s classified. Trust me though, they did it.
RH: The Russian Federation has asked you to provide evidence for these allegations or shut up. What’s your next move?
CIA: We’re probably going to shut up.
RH: Thank you, it’s been enlightening.
CIA: You’re welcome, Trump loving commie spy.