More than 1000 Russian athletes have been implicated as drug cheats by a report today. The Rochdale Herald asks “Only 1000. Really?”

At least 30 sports including football have been subject to a state sponsored doping program, the report says, although, to be honest, we hadn’t noticed it in the football. I mean, Russia, really? They’re no Iceland are they?

“It was a cover-up that evolved from uncontrolled chaos to an institutionalised and disciplined medal-winning conspiracy,” says the report’s author, Richard McLaren.

McLaren claims that London 2012 was “corrupted on an unprecedented scale”. It’s unclear as to whether he was referring to the Russian doping scandal or Boris Johnson’s presence at the games.

The report added that the system was refined over the course of the London 2012 Olympics, 2013 Worlds and the Winter Olympics to protect likely Russian medal winners.

Russia won 72 medals at the London Games, 21 of which were gold and 33 medals at Sochi, 13 of which were gold.

“The desire to win medals superseded their collective moral and ethical compass and Olympic values of fair play,” McLaren wrote.

He said international sports competitions had been “hijacked by the Russians” and sports fans have been “deceived” for years.”

“It is time that stops,” he added.

We have been told by one whistle-blower that “They’re cheaters, they cheated, I’m telling.”

A confidential source within the former Mayor of London’s private office has released a statement saying “I bloody knew it! Nobody had any idea that the Russians took drugs. I mean, who doesn’t know about the USSR and East Germany in the 80’s All the jokes, constantly on TV and in the papers about them. It was common knowledge then but who would have thought that Russia would have done the same thing? It beggars belief.”

A spokesman from the Russian Olympic Committee declined to comment because he was “off his face” on DMT.

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