After Boris Johnson was recorded last week saying that countries such as Iran and Saudi Arabia often fight proxy wars in the Middle East over who’s the most pious and loving of a magic sky daddy, Number 10 has been keen to point out that such demonstrable facts do not make up UK policy.

Johnson was suggesting that many of the conflicts are in fact Sunni vs Shia rather than over land and resources as they may sometimes appear.

“Obviously the lovely and free, democratic land of Saudi Arabia is wonderful and so is all their lovely cash,” said a Ministry of Defence spokeshawk, “And nasty unfree Iran are the troublemakers in the region. When did they last buy millions worth of ordinance from us to drop on poor people in Yemen, eh? They aren’t even buying our planes! Bastards.”

The event at which Bojo spoke was a private one and occurred last week, and came to light when the Guardian released the footage.

Mrs May who has ironically just returned from shoving the government’s tongue firmly between the buttocks of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, the United Arab Emirates, Qatar, Bahrain and Oman said via a spokeswoman that she wanted to strengthen the relationship with Saudi Arabia, and “we are supporting the Saudi-led coalition in support of the legitimate government in Yemen against Houthi rebels who keep disguising themselves as hospitals, schools and poverty stricken areas with no military value. The rotters!”

Boris was keen to point out that at least he’s been good on Twitter recently.

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.