The popular dispenser of Christmas gifts, Santa Claus, has come under pressure today to explain the process behind the compilation of his Naughty and Nice List. 

The list has always been kept secret from the public, causing many children and adults undue stress worrying about whether they will receive any gifts on the day. But now groups like the NSPCC and Mumsnet want to know how he compiles the list, and have submitted a freedom of information request to see it. 

A spokesman said; 

“Many parents are of the opinion that their children have been horrific little shits all year, yet on the day they inexplicably find that Santa has brought a sackfull of tat for their hellspawn, and that their bank account is significantly emptier. We want to know if he uses a points based system accrued over the whole year, just takes a snapshot of daily behaviour, or simply makes the shit up as he goes along?”

10 year old boy Lewis Syfer from Balderstone told the Herald;

“Personally I think my behaviour this year has broken even. I balanced out the time when I got mum in trouble for shoplifting by hiding chocolate in her handbag, with the times I’ve said nothing about Uncle Winston visiting and them having exercise classes upstairs. Yet apparently I’m on the cusp of getting nothing because I wouldn’t eat my peas. This is fucked up.”

We contacted the office of Santa for a statement and the head elf told us; “It’s perfectly simple, Christmas means Christmas. We’re sure you can guess what side of the list you fake news sites are on.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox