A British diplomat who began reading the Maastricht Treaty on the 6th February 1992 “just in case” finished the entire manuscript on Sunday Evening.

“I thought somebody ought to give it a once over before we signed it just in case we decide we ever want to leave the European Union.” Senior Diplomat Peter Bread told The Rochdale Herald. “It’s a bit dull, really long and a complete Bugger’s Muddle but I’ve worked out that we’d have to have to trigger Article 127 of a completely different treaty.”

Mr Bread who has been at his desk reading the hard copies of the Lisbon and Maastricht Treaties for 24 years apparently missed the EU Referendum during a boredom induced coma that lasted almost 12 months.

“Article 50? What do they think that’ll do? Anyhow we signed a separate treaty which committed us to something called the European Economic Area. Leaving the EU won’t get us out of that, we’d have to have a referendum on it. As I said, it’s a Bugger’s Muddle.”

Theresa May is currently hiding under her bed.

“It turns out it’s easier to leave the Mafia, though you usually have to be dead to do that.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.