Several prominent sexually-transmitted infections have today sought assurances from the Government that Brexit will not have a negative impact on their European transmission rates. 

In an open letter to MPs, the disease organisms expressed concerns that restrictions on the free movement of people could affect their ability to travel between the UK and Europe on the genitals of seasonal workers and holidaymakers.

Pubic louse, Dave Wilson, explained, “My family have been in the UK since my great grandad was picked up on a stag do in Amsterdam back in the summer. My kids are off interrailing on a French exchange student next month and I’ve just heard that my brother and his family are emigrating to Spain in the bush of that waitress we bumped into last week.

“It breaks my heart to think that that sort of freedom to explore might be in jeopardy.”

The impact of Brexit on cheap flights to the Continent was also raised, with Chlamydia in particular concerned about a possible reduction in travel to popular ‘party’ destinations.

“It’s not that we don’t have the opportunities over here, it’s just that the disinhibiting effects of a fishbowl full of cheap vodka on sunburnt shag-happy cretins tends to make our lives a bit easier”, said one bacterium.

“Give me a Shagaluf foam party over a Wetherspoons toilet cubicle any day of the week.”

However, not all STIs shared such concerns, with some of the more traditional venereal diseases happy to see a reduction in infections arriving from overseas.

“They come over here with their resistance to our antibiotics and their ability to outcompete native strains,” said one syphilis bacterium.

“Bloody parasites.”

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