Lord Sir Michael Heseltine of Sith has dismissed the outrage over his admitting to throttling a dog as “Hippy nonsense!” as animal lovers across the nation show their scorn.
“It had some kind of mental breakdown,” explained Sir Lord Heseltine of Sith, “And just as you would with a child or a badger, I summarily executed it. I didn’t have time to piffle-poffle around with vets and the like as I had an important afternoon’s Panda Punching in Pimlico to attend with Sir Digby Carule-B’Stard, Earl of Shiteshead. Yogurt weavers and crystal fanciers may have given the beast a hug and declared it a victim of patribarky but I am a practical man, not a complete moron.”
Colleagues of the former deputy PM said:
“Of course he’s throttled an Alsation or two! Asphyxiating fine, strapping young Europeans is perfectly legal if they’re of an age to consent! Everybody in the party has- Oh, you mean literally? Ah. You’re not going to name me in this piece are you?” before making us sign a form giving him anonymity.
The RSPCA admitted that we would not be looking into the incident as it occurred more than three years ago but did ask people not to strangle their pets before seeking expert advise first.
Lord Sir Heseltine of Sith was last the subject of animal lovers’ ire after admitting to machine-gunning squirrels in his garden.
Theresa May, unelected Prime Minister and Brexit Mother Superior said “You can’t hang this on me! I wasn’t even a minister!”