New Work Houses and Pensions if You’re Lucky Secretary, Damien Green, proposed an abolition of all welfare including Working Tax Credits and Job Seekers allowance in favour of a publicly run JustGiving page on Monday.

The controversial policy will see the unpopular Universal Credit proposal, which was the brainchild of the  former Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith or ‘The Whispering Death’ as he’s more commonly known, scrapped.

A vote in Parliament is due to take place next week and will conveniently coincide with a Labour Party away day called  ‘Team Building and Confidence in your Leader’, which will be followed up with a vegan dinner and readings from The Communist Manifesto by celebrity guest, Billy Bragg. 

Speaking of the welfare reforms, Mr. Green said;

“When we couldn’t afford to feed the poor anymore because of Labour causing the Global Financial Crash, the wonderful British public stepped in by stocking up the foodbanks so we didn’t need to.”

He continued;

“With such a strong tradition of helping each other out in this country, we’ve decided to let that dogooder who helped that fellow with the funny head get a new house run the page for us. Our forecasts show that this will work well up until around 2019, at which point we’ll get the BBC and Ainsley Herriott to focus that Red Ears day or whatever it’s called onto the page bi-annually.”

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