Nobodies across the nation are outraged to day as the news that footballers aren’t actually being asked not to wear poppies spreads after it didn’t happen on several towns last night and early this morning.

“It’s disgusting, that’s what it is!” raged Tabitha Tottie of Heywood, “Not a single footballer has ever in the history of anything has ever been stopped from wearing a poppy! That’s just ridiculous!”

The FA, which only asks that footballers don’t wear poppies for the 90 to 100 minutes that they’re actually playing football- as it does for any other kind of badge or pin- have apologised for not actually demanding that footballers don’t wear poppies.

“We realise that we should be totally demanding tart footballers don’t wear poppies and it’s offensive to the narrative of both newspapers and complete cum-wits that we don’t but we have no plans to actually demand that footballers not wear poppies. Except for when they play.”

Meanwhile in that London place down south there was considerable offense taken by the lack of banning.

“We demand that somebody demand that these footballers not wear poppies!” screamed Albert Hilter from Some Protest Group Or Other, “What’s next? Councils not actually banning the sales of poppies in the street? It’s a fucking travesty!”

“If was Muslims, they’d be asked not wear them,” insisted Dave Thickish of the My Argument Doesn’t Even Make Sense But It Initially Sounds Infuriating Society, “It’s one rule for them and one rule for the rest of us!”

In related news nobody was asked to take down any flags whatsoever this week, not even the George Cross one.

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When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.