Last night’s Four Corners program on asylum seekers held on Nauru, elicited an angry response from the Nauruan government, who accused the ABC of racism.

“Australia is a much more violent place than Nauru”, said a government spokesman. “This is blatant racism. We are a lovely island where asylum seekers are free to wander. All that propaganda about rapes, brawls, assaults and murder, shame on you ABC. You have insulted our compassionate commitment to these freeloaders and you are an embarrassment to journalism. The Australian Government pays us big bucks to look after these whingers and all they do is tell lies. Did I mention our compassionate commitment?”

The program followed a major Amnesty International report that claimed that Australia’s regional processing plant on Nauru amounted to deliberate torture of refugees.

Australia’s Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, was quick to repudiate Four Corners claims. “They are absolutely false,” said the Prime Minister, as he thumped his fists on the bare oversized desk in his office. “Everyone knows Amnesty International’s sole purpose is to denigrate our compassionate commitment to asylum seekers,” he said. “As for those moaning children face to camera, they were coached. Everyone knows the ABC is full of cultural Marxists.

Peter Dutton, Australia’s Immigration Minister said he was shocked by the report. “I’m shocked,” he said. “I’ve been to Nauru and it’s full of bloody good blokes. I mean, we could have just turned those boats around like we did the others and watched them drown, which is quite entertaining. But we let this lot in and all they do is complain, complain, complain. They’re so bloody ungrateful, some of them even self-harm. I mean a few have even self-immolated. Bloody attention seekers.”

The Rochdale Herald’s Australian correspondent, Lauren Pokes, brought up the subject of Peter Stevenson’s damning report, published in The Guardian back in June.

“Prime Minister, Peter Stevenson is a respected trauma counsellor with 43 years-experience. He stated that “it is the Australian government deliberately inflicting upon people the worst trauma I have ever seen.” He also stated that, “…hanging and choking and head butting and swallowing pills and nails and detergent and all that … goes on as a matter of course” in his condemnation of conditions on Nauru. What motive would he have to lie? For that matter, why would Save the Children lie, or teachers on Nauru, or the ABC, or The Guardian, when the evidence of abuse and trauma is overwhelming?”

“Well it’s obvious, Lauren,” Mr Turnbull promptly responded. “All those Commies are in it together. Everyone knows teachers are lefties. They want to bring down our caring, compassionate government. We’re going to rip that Order of Australia medal right off the chest of that Cultural Marxist shrink. Bloody traitor.

Did I mention our compassionate commitment to asylum seekers?”

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