Finally some good news! The nation was overcome with emotion today as positive confirmation came through that sexual assault based ‘comedian’ and professional pick up artist Dapper Laughs had at long last vanished up his own bum.

Mr Laughs, famous for his catchphrase ‘she’d get it, whether she wanted it or not’, was last heard of when he hit the headlines in November 2014 for having his ITV show ‘Rapey Fun Time With Dapper Laughs’ unceremoniously cancelled following a petition signed by thousands of his victims.

Laughs immediately retired, resurrecting himself several weeks later following a chronic attack of publicity and attention starvation. In the intervening years he has managed to keep up a modest Facebook and Twitter presence, however failure to release any more offensive albums or make any more obnoxious and repellent television appearances has led to further attention starvation, and coupled with the seeming terminal condition of being massively up himself has caused him to crawl up his own council gritter and evanesce.

We spoke to members of the assembled throng at an impromptu street party cum ticker tape parade in downtown Rochdale today, all of whom told us pretty much the same thing:

‘We’re all over the moon’ they pretty much all said. ‘This year has been a total kick in the cods, and we thought it was never going to get better. Brexit, Bowie, the financial crash, the death of the great Barrier Reef, WWIII looming on the horizon, Lily Allen releasing a new album; it was all just bad to worse. This is the best possible news we could have received right now’ they pretty much all continued, as the champagne corks popped all around.

dapper-laughs
Mr Laughs prior to crawling up his own ringpiece and vanishing

Another local resident we spoke to, a Mrs G. Duffy, 76, told us ‘I vaguely remember him. Are you sure that was his name though? I thought it was Jaunty Hat or something. Is he still going? I thought he’d vanished up his own nipsy years ago.’

‘I’ll get the bunting out anyway’ she added.

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