the_scotsman_12_10_2016

Rod Stewart’s family confirm that decades in the entertainment industry have addled his brains, as he turns up at Buckingham Palace demanding to be named ‘Sir Scotty McScottsman, Knight of King Arthur’s Round Table, defender of gerbils.’

daily_express_11_10_2016

After casting off her human suit and devouring liberals last week, the entity now known as ‘May The Destroyer’ goes on a rampage in the Calais Jungle, killing 18 and injuring hundreds.

daily_mail_10_10_2016

The Royal Mail has been implicated in a plot by Ivanka Trump to defraud her father/lover, Donald Trumpf. They delivered letters from Ivanka claiming to be a Nigerian Prince, asking for donations to her wig fund in exchange for huge future financial recompense.

the_guardian_13_10_2016

Following his death at the hands of his son Kylo Ren, Harrison Ford has been named 14 times in rape allegations in Los Angeles. So far, he hasn’t been convicted. Mostly on account of him being dead.

the_independent_12_10_2016

Following the release of his financial records, it has emerged that instead of the more traditional ‘money’ option for his wages as an MP, Boris has been paid in Nandos medium spiced Peri Peri chicken. As Nandos face a massive financial hit following Brexit, Boris is expected to be worse off per year to the tune of 133 half chickens, the equivalent of £800.

the_scotsman_15_10_2016

In lieu of damages following his innocent verdict, Ched Evans has accepted the temporary role of Prime minister while May The Destroyer is in France on official rampage business. His first act as PM was to tell Nicola Sturgeon to bugger off.

Get monthly highlights in your inbox