In breaking news Piers Morgan has burned to death in a devasting chip pan fire in a static caravan at Hollingworth Lake Caravan Park.

Mr Morgan was visiting the caravan park with the 1992 Grand Slam winning England Rugby Team to play a friendly game of 15 on 1 ruggers and discuss comments he made to Brian Moore on Twitter suggesting that Brian and the 92 England Squad shared Donald Trump’s attitudes to women.

“It’s a real tragedy.” Greater Manchester Police told us. “That was a really lovely caravan.”

Forty five witnesses described how Mr Morgan tied himself to a chair and beat the shit out of himself before offering to make everybody chip butties with a pan of vegetable oil on an old gas ring.

“It was very kind of Piers to offer to make us chip butties. I just hope it was quick.” Jason Leonard told us.

Mr Morgan, who was editor at The Daily Mirror when The Daily Mirror allegedly hacked Nigel Haver’s mobile phone while he was caring for his dying mother, apparently didn’t go particularly quickly.

Greater Manchester Police issued a statement saying;

“There were no suspicious circumstances surrounding the blaze. While it’s difficult to lock yourself in a caravan whilst tied to a chair with a lit hob and a pan of chip fat it’s not impossible. If Mr Morgan could know about Ulrika Johnson’s affair with Sven Goran Erickson without hacking her phone he could have done this. We won’t be investigating further. Anyway what goes on tour stays on tour, everybody knows that. It’s the law.”

1985 Choirboy of the Year Aled Jones told us “he’s lucky I didn’t catch up with him.”

Get monthly highlights in your inbox

SHARE
Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.