Metrosexuals all over the country were overcome with delight today as Snake Oil salesmen L’Oreal, released an new line of grooming products for men in a star studded press conference.

The jackboot of pressure placed on us by cosmetics companies, where tiny made-up flaws nag away at our self worth, has come to rest firmly on men’s testes. Head scientist and spokesperson for L’Oreal, Cheryl Tweedy-Cole-Fernandez-Vercini gave a short statement at the launch via a Geordie-English interpreter.

“Our research found that no self respecting pop, soap, reality TV star, or even ordinary woman is going to want to have sex with a man who’s knackersack looks 20 years older than he is. Containing new formula Bolleaux B530, our new range of Hydra-Ceramide Pro-V RevitaLift serums will smooth and tighten even the wrinkliest of crackerjacks to the point where your imaginary lover can see their face in them.”

Claims that the products would fly off the shelves were met with scepticism from media all over the world, including the Herald. But a quick poll of the office found that most of the men had at some time in the past wondered why their ballbag looked like it was made with spare loose skin from a geriatric’s  elbows.

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