Following photos released from the hack of Pippa Middleton’s i-Cloud account, Prince William’s mates have told him “you definitely married the right one mate!”

There had been confusion following his wedding day when friends asked him “are you sure you got the right one fella?” due to Pippa showing up to the event with “the sort of arse that only a childhood spent figure skating could give you.”

Later on there were further questions as it turned out that Miss Middleton was clearly “a bit of a go-er” and had “been passed around the trading desks” of most of London’s top banks.”

However the noises got less in late 2015 when she became engaged to, what Will’s friends called, “Joey Essex’ ugly brother”. And the last nail was hammered into the coffin with the recent photos. Will’s friends have variously proclaimed that “time hasn’t been kind”, “Jesus; there’s not much tread left on that one” and “is the transfer window open? I need to get her out of the Wank Bank”

A spokesman for Miss Middleton said that there was more to her than just her looks. “Beauty is important” she said “but being smart is importanter!”

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.