Council bosses stumbled across some architectural documents relating to the newly uncovered River Roach in the town centre on Tuesday.

Deep in the bowels of Hitler’s favourite building, several documents advising that the Rochdale river be closed were discovered. A structural survey written in 1902 stated:

“Due to the annual flooding of the town centre dating back to 1823, it is strongly advised that the river be covered for good to prevent future instances.”

Sidrah Rahman of Touchstones said:

“We used to tell the visiting school children that it was the widest bridge in Europe, which they loved. It was clearly a lie, but still, they loved it.”

Rochdale council refused to comment, but tea lady Betty Fellows overheard a high-ranking MP shouting “Oh shit! It’s going to have to be covered again.” into his iPhone.

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