Dear Aunty Angela,

I think my husband is cheating on me. We’ve been married for 15 years. He works in advertising and his job requires him to be away from home a lot. I’m a full time mum to our three children. This was never an issue before, but now I’m wondering if he is always away on business, or if he’s having an affair with his PA, Lisa. 

She’s constantly calling him, texting him and turning up at our house on the pretence of getting him to sign for things. A few months back I caught them in each other’s arms when I dropped by his office. He claims he was comforting her following the tragic death of her pet hamster, Snowball.

On another occasion, she sent him a text message which said “I’m at the hotel. I cannot wait to have my naughty way with you for the whole weekend xxx”. He dismissed this by telling me that ‘my naughty way’ is a campaign they’re working on for innocent smoothies. He told me Lisa is really excited about this campaign because she’s the one leading it. Apparently she was really looking forward to finishing the work on it over the weekend they were in Chester. He said she’s crap at grammar and can see how it looks, but reassured me it was nothing.

Several weeks ago he was getting undressed in front on me and there was lipstick on his genitals. When I pointed it out to him, he laughed and said he had some chafing after he’d been to the gym. He was uncomfortable but had no cream. Lisa had told him that the moisturiser in lipstick would help soothe the area, so he borrowed some lipstick until he could get to the shop to buy some proper moisturiser. 

When he came back from a recent trip to London with her, I found condoms, dildos and bondage gear in his suitcase. He told me that they were for an advert he was directing that week. 

Am I overreacting? What do I do? Please help me. 

Hayley, 37

Middleton
Dear Hayley,

What a lot for you to deal with. It’s never easy when you believe a partner is cheating. If I’m completely honest I think you’re reading too much into it. Your husband has given you completely reasonable explanations for each of these incidents, yet you’re casting around for evidence to incriminate him further. 

Your husband clearly works extremely hard to provide for his family. It’s unfair that you have such a low opinion of him. He deserves better than to come home to a wife who is always questioning him. Sounds to me like the poor guy cannot get anything right as far as you’re concerned. 

You’re his wife. The Bible says you shouldn’t ever question your husband and that you should be submissive. No doubt your vows contained the words “Love, honour and obey”, yet you’re not doing any of those things. To address this and get your marriage back on track, I suggest you upping your game at home. Make sure the house is tidy. Have his dinner ready for when he gets home from work. Take ten minutes before he gets home to brush your hair and fix your make up. He doesn’t want to come home to a wife who looks an absolute mess. Run him a bath and pour him some wine. Remember to enquire about his day, but don’t go burdening him with anecdotes about your day. What he has to say is far more important, and you being at home doing nothing all day won’t make for an interesting topic of conversation. If you follow these steps there’s no reason your marriage won’t thrive once again. 

I also suggest that you see your GP for some counselling to overcome this paranoia you’re experiencing. If you don’t you will destroy your marriage. So please get help.

Regards,

Aunty Angela

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.