The whereabouts of Keith Vaz remain a mystery this morning after rumours emerged that he fled the country following a conversation with his wife during which she told him “I’m fine”.

Mr Vaz, who had unprotected sex with an undisclosed number of men who had, in turn, had unprotected sex with an undisclosed number of men who had, in turn, had unprotected sex with an undisclosed number of men, told his wife that he had been having unprotected sex with an undisclosed number of men before having unprotected sex with her a week ago shortly before she quietly told him “I’m fine Keith, sleep tight.”

Apparently Mr Vaz didn’t stop to put his shoes on before leaving the house and was last seen boarding a flight to Rio under what we believe is an assumed name.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.