Here are this week’s horoscopes. Or are they next week’s? Meh. It’s all nonsense anyway…

Aries

Sometimes you might think people are out to get you. They are, you are being stalked and should be very, very vigilant.

A family holiday will take a turn for the worse after the undercarriage of your budget flight to Mykenos malfunctions resulting in a nasty fireball.

Taurus

Moving forward in life can be difficult. Particularly if you lose your left foot in a forklift accident at work on Thursday which you will, unless you decide to not go to work in which case you’ll lose your left hand in a gardening accident. Your choice.

Gemini

You’re an arrogant so-and-so and it’s going to get the better of you on Tuesday. You’ll accidentally look down your nose at somebody you shouldn’t and they’ll partially blind you with a pint glass when you’re not expecting it.

Cancer

Funny story. You know your bad back? It’s not going to get better, you have a bone cancer. It’s not pretty. You have hours to live, not days. Get your affairs in order.

Leo

It’s a fine line between following your own path and getting lost in the woods. We advise against getting lost in the woods. If you do you’ll run out of water and food. If you’re lucky you’ll die of exposure or thirst before the locals or the wildlife find you. But we both know you’re not lucky. Squeal piggy, squeal.

Virgo

Enough excuses, fix your lawnmower.

Libra

Last week we hinted that now was a good time to make sure everything was understood and no wires were being crossed. That was then, this is now. Lie your arse off, if the pigs figure out what you’ve done you’re going away for a long time. Repeat after me “it wasn’t me”. 

Scorpio

If you’re going to hire Eastern European rent boys to treat you like a bitch in your Westminster flat, for fuck’s sake pay cash. Don’t make a bank transfer from your diabetes charity. 

If you do you’ll have to resign from your role as Chairman of a Parliamentary Select Committee.

Capricorn

You’re going to get hacked this week because all of your PIN numbers and passwords are the same. Once they’ve got one, they’ve got everything, forever.

Aquarius

Solutions to problems aren’t always obvious. Obviously. If you’re trying for a child avoid 3:16pm on Friday. The future of humanity depends on it.

Pisces 

Don’t go out in Rochdale on Thursday or you’ll get Chlamydia from a local politician. Stay away from poppers, they’re a gateway drug and knowing your obsessive personality, you’ll be on Crack in no time.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.