The world waited with baited breath for David Davis’ speech in which he was expected to reveal the government’s plans for exiting the EU. The speech was timed to take place at the exact same time as the debate on a second referendum just to show how seriously parliament takes petitions. 

“Er…Everything will be made of rainbows, we’ll get everything we want and not have to give up anything we don’t want to,” he told parliament, “and I have an enormous staff!”

The opposite side of the House jeered in response.

“No honestly,” he continued, “My massive staff stretches all the way to Brussels, baby!”

The Minister For Polishing The Brexit Turd also said he was keen to ensure that the government listen to all the people who agree with them, unless they were Scottish.

At the end of speech nobody was any the wiser regarding Brexit but there were demands to examine Davis’ huge staff further and some muttered suggestions that he shove it up the orifice that the speech emanated from.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.