Australian Prime Minister, Malcolm Turnbull, has left the G20 Summit with what he called a “stupendous new deal”. After much grovelling to British Prime Minister, Theresa May, Mr Turnbull stated, 

“When Britain leaves the EU we will have very open markets between Australia and Britain.” Mr Turnbull was overheard whispering to one of his advisers, “Now we can get rid of the crap that even China doesn’t want.”

The Rochdale Herald’s Australian correspondent, Lauren Pokes, was given this exclusive interview with Mr Turnbull.

“Good morning Prime Minister. It’s been well publicised that post-Brexit, you are hoping that Australia becomes one of the UK’s leading trade partners. What exactly does Australia have to offer?”

“Well Lauren. It’s become clear that prisons in the UK are bursting at the seams and we can offer affordable accommodation.”

“What kind of accommodation? Where will you put them?”

“Well, we thought that Nauru and Manus Island would be perfect, but since all the whingeing began, it’s bloody backfired. So we’re currently in the process of investigating other options.

“Mr Turnbull, do you have a viable location in mind?

“Not quite sealed on the dotted line, but we’re nearly there. For instance, we’ve been communicating regularly with President Assad. From what he’s saying, there’s a lot more space in Aleppo than there was last year.”

“Isn’t this a step backwards, comparable with the importation of British convicts in 1788?”

“Absolutely not, Lauren. That was over two hundred years ago. We don’t have all the open space we had back then.”

“And what, Prime Minister, will Australia sell to the British?” 

“Well my advisers have come up with an amazing plan. The last remaining livestock that don’t get tortured to death through the Live Export Trade, will be available for transportation to the Old Country. Then of course, there is natural gas which we have in abundance. I mean you only have to start in Parliament with crackpots like Hansen, Bernardi, Roberts and Lambie, to harness enough natural gas to service a city the size of Birmingham. ”

“That’s it? A few cows and natural gas?”

“Don’t be facetious, Lauren. There’s much more. We’ve got second hand cars, wind turbines that Joe Hockey said were ugly, but here’s the clincher. Our key export will be coal. Everyone knows coal is the way forward. Not to mention some nice wool from our prize sheep to make fluffy jumpers for those English winters.”

“Prime Minister, thank you for your time.”

 

 

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.