In light of claims on BBC programme Panorama that the Sellafield nuclear reprocessing plant is run below standards and has dangerously stored liquid uranium and plutonium, our brave apprentice Douglas was volunteered to visit the site.

He met with a site foreperson Gordon Zilla.

“We totally meet all safety requirements at all times,” insisted Mr Zilla, who appeared to be a giant lizard with two heads, “Everything is safe here. Look into my eyes, human and repeat ‘everything is safe.’ Look in to my eyyyyyyyessssssss!”

When Douglas asked if Mr Zilla was in fact a 3 metre, two headed, scaley mutant he replied , “No. I am not. You’re obviously hallucinating. It’s probably all the radiation.” 

Douglas left shortly afterwards and has been jabbering about all hailing the hypnotoad ever since. 

It took us three hours to prise the tape recorder from hands.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.